From Porn Addict to Soul Seeker

by
ARMEL LWAMBA

According to Medical News Today, addiction can be defined as ‘‘an inability to stop using a substance or engaging in a behavior even though it is causing psychological and physical harm.’’ With that said, I want to confess to you all that for the longest time of my life, I struggled with an addiction to pornography.

Some would find it funny, and wonder if really it can be classified as an addiction, and if it can, then it would be a pretty great addiction to struggle with. I know, I thought that way for the longest time of my life. Growing with divorced parents didn’t help and as much as I would love to blame it on the situation in which I grew up, that would be unfair. The truth is that I am responsible of the choices that I made, I may have been influenced at first but I persevered on that path by choice.

I cannot remember exactly when I started watching porn, I was a freshman in high school, which must have been in 2006 or 2007 and completely broke free from it in 2021. In the meantime, many things happened. During that time, pornography was part of my life. As technology evolved, having access to it became easier and the more I had access to it, the better I became at finding all sorts of videos, and the deeper I sunk in my lust, remaining trapped.

I was so into it that I was convinced I wasn’t doing any harm to anyone. Had someone preached to me during that time that I needed to give up on it, I would have mocked them and taken God as my enemy, never realizing that I was already at enmity with God. The Word clearly says: “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore, whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” (James 4:4 ESV)

Remember the definition given in the first paragraph, it talks about doing something that harms us and being unable to stop it. I have been, for years, not only harming my relationship with God, and that, even after I was saved, but also harming myself. Even after breaking free from this addiction, my way of seeing things, and even thinking was no longer the same. I may have had my fun during the years I was afflicted without ever realizing how much I was in the pit, but the very addiction I thought to be fun, wrecked me inside.

Because of this addiction, I delayed my coming to Jesus. Whenever I would be asked why I wasn’t committed, I would respond honestly, “I wasn’t ready”, but the truth being that I was a hypocrite who wasn’t ready to give up on my addiction. Whenever I would have people around me talking about porn, I would be encouraged to keep on watching. The simplest sexual advert online would be a major turn on for me. A room to myself was a lifetime occasion to watch freely without hiding and some nights, when I couldn’t hold it in, I would watch those videos despite the fact that people could be in the same room as I was, not caring much about them, only thinking of satisfying my lustful desires.

The Word says: “Though evil is sweet in his mouth and he hides it under his tongue, though he cannot bear to let it go and lets it linger in his mouth, yet his food will turn sour in his stomach; it will become the venom of serpents within him.” (Job 20:12-14 NIV)

This sin was sweet to me and I’d be lying if I ever said I did not enjoy watching all those movies. I went to deep into pornography, that I followed pages of porn stars on Facebook, watched their awards sessions, criticized in my heart which video should have deserved a prize, watched all kinds of videos and movies and sadly boasted to be good at it. Hiding this from my entourage, wondering for many years what they would think of me and not realizing that I was hurting the One who loves me most in the entire universe because to Him, I couldn’t hide a thing. He saw it all and knew it all.

That is why when I gave my life to Jesus and started to learn about the fact that my addiction was actually a sin, and kept on falling because I was too weak, I wondered many times if God wasn’t foolish to forgive someone like me and even give me responsibilities in His church, slowly transforming me. I think it’s because despite the fact that I was weak and was addicted to pornography, I had hunger to know God more and be closer to Him.

For the longest time, I was warm, serving God and being friend with the world, and as time passed, God finally convicted me. However, I fell again, but this time He didn’t gently pick me up and this is why, I also wish to warn you. Sin is against God and although God loves us, do not be fooled to believe that He is pleased with us foolishly sinning. I should know, because when I fell after being convicted and saved, I knew in my spirit that something has happened between me and God. Later in the morning on that day, a friend called me to tell me that He had dreamed about me, and that dream was a warning against my behaviour, a warning saying that the same word that had saved me, was pointed at me in the form of a sword.

Doesn’t the Word of the Lord say: “For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them.” (2 Peter 2:20-21 ESV)

I was being entangled, but I thank the Lord a thousand times for the warning He gave me. Because since then, things radically changed for me. I am honestly weak and proud to confess it because in my weakness, His glory really appeared; when I stumbled and asked for help, He provided until my complete deliverance.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)

Now, as I stand before you, I wanted to share this with you because as I was journaling one day, I stumbled upon a verse that inspired me to share this with you. It’s in the book of Act and it’s about Saul, also known as Paul. “…and after taking some food, he regained his strength. Saul spent several days with the disciples in Damascus. At once he began to preach in the synagogues that Jesus is the Son of God. All those who heard him were astonished and asked, “Isn’t he the man who raised havoc in Jerusalem among those who call on this name? And hasn’t he come here to take them as prisoners to the chief priests?” Yet Saul grew more and more powerful and baffled the Jews living in Damascus by proving that Jesus is the Messiah.” (Acts 9:19-22 NIV)

What inspires me is that Paul didn’t crawl back into a hole when he realized people knew who he used to be. Instead, that became a catalyser for his preaching. Because they knew and made mention of it, he grew bolder and preached louder, like to say; because you know who I was, let me tell you about the One who pulled me out from there. I too am saying right now, because you know where I have been, let me tell you about the One who saved me. I confess that I truly deserved the sword but instead He gave me another chance. I didn’t deserve the warning, instead He spoke through the ears of a friend who could hear Him at the time so that He would reach me.

Now that I am free, from an addiction that afflicted me for many years, deformed me mentally but also spiritually, and yet have been restored and called, there’s no way I cannot believe that God doesn’t love me, as I know He loves you too and I intend to use this life He saved to proclaim His goodness and love wherever He will take me.

I pray that you too would confess your sins before Him and not let shame put a lock on your weaknesses, hiding them in a place where no one can see them while they are eating you alive. Don’t live in sin, you too can be saved, salvation is found in Him. Don’t give if you fall after receiving your salvation, get back up and repent. After all, He turned this mess into someone who is able to care more than ever and go after His treasure, YOU.

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ARMEL LWAMBA

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